~ Letters to Leafy ~<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8">

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

I was truly happy for the first time in a long long time.
Although the happiness only lasted a minute, I felt it in my blood.
Guess what?
I found the first letter and the first postcard you gave me!
(Ok, so we do know that I didn't receive more than one postcard and one letter from you)
It keeps my dreams of you alive.

Ron,
I'll always make sure that I live a single day more than you do,
So that the day I die, I will know that I've never gave up on wanting to see you,
Right till your last moment.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 2/25/2003 04:32:00 PM
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Monday, February 24, 2003

Dear Ronnie,
I went through one of my old blogs with you the other day,
And memories came rushing back.
CEF, TPW, JOH,... all our little quirky acronyms...
I was really lookin back at the times I laughed and crying.
Almost.

Recently, there was an occasion where Van said something,
Which suggested that we're not what we make each other up to be.
I didn't tell her, but I felt pretty down after hearing that.

I'm beginning to think I'm living in a self-deluded bubble of you and I.
The past was all made up by my imagination and me,
And it saddens me to think so.
Even alternate reality ended for us,
So in what other ways can we ever be?

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 2/24/2003 03:59:00 PM
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Thursday, February 20, 2003

I pushed Van away yesterday.
I told her 'You know what? Let's cut contact'.
I feel sucky everytime she raves about Yingying,
Especially after she tells me how much she misses the past we shared.
I don't know if she understood my point.
I didn't know how to explain,
And I don't wanna say "Imagine if I kept raving to you about how I think Ron was so wonderful".

You know what Ronnie?
Guess I never had time to think and protect myself ever since you came into my life and left,
Cos Van came, then there were those little figurines to keep me occupied.
But now that I have all the time in the world,
SP is back.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 2/20/2003 11:50:00 AM
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Friday, February 14, 2003

Ron Ron Ron...
Why do I tear everytime I mention your name?
I'm really living in my memories of you and I,
With Cream and the penthouse and all.....

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 2/14/2003 09:34:00 PM
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Thursday, February 13, 2003

Happy V-day, Ronnie....
May you be with your loved one(s) on this very day.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 2/13/2003 04:58:00 PM
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Sunday, February 09, 2003

Ronnie,
Were you just toying with my feelings or can you say you did actually feel something for me?
It's one of the days I start doubting...

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 2/09/2003 06:24:00 PM
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Saturday, February 08, 2003

Dearest Ron,
Attended a first aid class today and somehow the lecturer mentioned something about fever.
It reminded me of 9th August 2001- the day I went back to school to rush work and you were down with a freakin' high fever. And I remember almost exactly all that I was told, from how Van found you lying in your room shivering, to how Eve saw your butt during the ice bath, to how I really wanted to be there for you but I thought you wouldn't want me there.
It still remains one of the regrets of my life, Ron... I really should have just gone down to see you... At least I can say that I was there with you, at one of the times that you were down. Not that you need me, or needed me, but I just wanna be there for you.
Can't help but wonder how you are... Thought about you today. *cef smiles*
Not the way one thinks about coffee, nor tea, nor other objects ok... Thought about you today like how McKean thought about Leafy...
... I do miss you.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 2/08/2003 02:08:00 AM
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Wednesday, February 05, 2003

Dear Ronnie,
Stefanie Sun's got a new song that is making me real sad. It's call Wo Bu Nan Guo (I ain't sad). Ironic huh.
Celine saw the MTV and she told me it's about this girl who was in a coma. Her boyfriend wanted to wait for her. But when she finally woke up, she realised he has fallen for someone else. Hence in the song she sings about how she ain't sad, cos she knew she wasn't there for him when he was lonely. Yet the guy is saying things like he still loves the girl and all that, but admitting he likes someone else.
Honestly Fei, if we ever meet, and you're with someone that makes you smile everyday, I know I'll be sad.
Perhaps not for long, but I definitely will feel blue to a certain degree though I don't really have the right to do that.
I know I'll eventually get over it, cos at least you're happy...
A visit to my secondary school yesterday reminded me of how I asked for little in the past when I was in love. As in, I was 'the fool'. The one that always gave.
I think I've lost that drive. That passion. SP probably took over.
But tell me, how does a heart that has so many scars not be reminded of being hurt?
Perhaps I'm just not brave enough...

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 2/05/2003 03:40:00 PM
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Tuesday, February 04, 2003

Dearest Ron,
I talked about you again today. To Nette. Talked about how I was so crazy about you that I bought you a ring even when I only knew the Ron on IRC. And I told her about this blogsite, just in case tomorrow never comes for me, someday.
You're my thread of sanity, Ronnie, even though you were the one who broke my thread of sanity in the very first place.
Simply 'cos you are always somewhere in my head, be it at the back or right in front (I'm sorry if this hurts, Ronnie, I'm just being very honest here... , and I doubt if you think of me as much as I think of you actually..), I realise that anyone that hurts me can't do much harm. Cos they will never mean 100% to me. Or should I say they have never meant 100% to me, since non of us can predict the future? I don't know.
I'm actually starting to believe in horoscopes. I'm not quite compatible with Capricorns, but I can work things out with Sagitarians... and you once said u were more sagi! heh.
Yeah I think that was really.... I don't know, perhaps I'm bored... but to rephrase, I'm really jaded, Ronnie....

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 2/04/2003 04:12:00 PM
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Monday, February 03, 2003

Dear Ronnie,
It was loads of running around the past 2 days of Chinese New Year. I wonder how Chinese New Year in London works. I'm gonna blabber quite abit, since you were once my diary and I guess this habit still sticks in me...

Went with grandparents' places on Day 1, followed by a short walk in town with this girl called Fiona at River Ang Pow 2003.

:: Day 2 ::
Mom went out with her friends so I got a friend called Seekee (Bin and Van loves to call her Sicky) over to watch VCDs.
went to Celine's place later to meet people from our batch in Sec sch. Had some drinks and I ate ba kua till I'm now suffering from a sore throat. Haha.
Popped by Esplanade for awhile before that cos a friend called Weilin was crying alone there, but when I arrived Fiona and Seekee were there too. Oh well.
Went Clarke Quay later for some drinks, and I forgot that the lesbian-thingamy was there. Apparently Van and Yingying saw me but they walked away. *Shrug*

:: Day 3 ::
At Godparents' place now, and kinda bored so I came online to blog while drinking some wine. Aha. Waiting to see what I can do with the rest of the day.

U know, when Seekee was over at my place yesterday, I talked about you. I showed her your picture. I guess it's impossible that she knows you, but sometimes I wish someone would just see your picture and go like "WHAT? I KNOW THIS GIRL!" and I'll be like "HOORAY! BRING ME TO HER!"
Van was talkin to me on the line earlier today (like 3am) and she said she saw someone. I heard "Ron" and I was like stunned. I said. "...what?" Van says the name. "... What?" Van said "VON VON VON!" and I was like "oh... oh."
*sighs*
Happy Chinese New Year, Fei.
I do miss you.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 2/03/2003 09:03:00 AM
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