~ Letters to Leafy ~<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8">

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Dearest Ron,

Guess I've lost the right to say Fei anymore since you're with Sam, so I shall just call you Ron or Ronnie from now on.
Was suppose to go catch a couple of drinks with ex-studio mates, but was a little tired so came home and drank vodka and baileys at home instead.

Van's fine now, could tell from her tone when she called me. Surely hope she didn't misunderstand me ---- I was sounding very stoned out because, well, because I was. Had just woken up from catching some sleep on the train ride back home. Have been rushing for stuff since last week and managed to wrap it up today to ensure work needn't be done on Labour Day.

Yeah I've been too busy to write the past few days. Burning myself with work. Pretty good, cos I just go to work, come home, eat, sleep. I'm starting to become a robot learing a scheduled lifestyle. Depletes me of the time to find matters to trouble my heart with, yet I still can't get you out of my mind.
There are so many times I think ot myself --- I shouldn't be getting into any relationships, not only because I've ceased to feel real emotions for anyone else, but also because my life itself is busy enough for me. I don't have the time for others. Then I think about how Sam is a very successful person, and how I'm sure she can take good care of you. It sets my mind at ease, at allow me to find peace within myself, when I know that you're well taken care of.

Nette asked me today if I still feel anything for Van, and I told her the thing about how I can't love her the same way because she isn't the same person anymore. Plus, I've already loved her in another way - I won't say so much as family, but I'll say I love her like how people love their ex-s... Well, perhaps like how you and Sam used to be, like how Van and Ju are (?), like how you and whats-her-name... Wen's otherhalf... I don't know how to describe it. I remember there's a quote which said something like " What is the word to describe your feelings, when you meet someone you know used to love a lot? "

My perspectives have been twisted slightly since the start of this year, althought I'm believe I'm still quite the same in principle.

Till I see you again, Ronnie, I'll be trying to keep my dreams of you alive.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 4/30/2003 08:29:00 PM
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Sunday, April 27, 2003

Sleepless.
Hence I came back online to write.
Can't stop recalling the loss of color in Van's eyes.
You'll feel as sad for her as I did, Fei, if you've only seen how Van looked this weekend.

Since this blog may be published to the public in future, I shall not speak in depth into what exactly happened.
Afterall, she should have her privacy.

Told Van yesterday that I didn't agree that I should meet both her and HYY, not because I'll feel awkward, but simply because I detest her character. And it's not even because of the past (the break up of Van and I and their get-together). I find the way she argues to her advantage downright disgusting, and her perpetual desire to be always right and viewed as a good fella sick --- because it is often as the expense of others. I digress.

Fei, Van said she is so afraid to meet you and Sam, because she fears that you will tell her how she has changed.
If I could tell Yingying, I'd tell that bitch that one of the biggest reasons I'm over Van, is simply because she is not the person that I used to know anymore.
Like I told Van, I don't know if I should be happy for her that she's finally found someone that she'd give up so much for, or to be sad that she has found a person that requires her to give up so much.
It sucks. And it sucks that I can't help, especially when I know some people will just think I'm plain bias.
I'm sure if you've heard of what happened, you and Sam would allow me to slap YY. Or humiliate her.
Perhaps not, because you always placed importance on behaviour, but Ronnie, where has that fucker taken the Van we used to know ?
I do admit that I'm angry. And sad. >:(

If the human body is physically made up of 70% water, then a person's character and personality makes up for 70% of him/her.
It is cruel to deprive someone of freedom of expression of his/her character, or the development of it. And it is worse if you destroy a person's character.
We all knew Van for her ziesty character, her confidence and all. But where has it all gone ?
What has she done to deserve being called unstable, and what has been done to her to make her suspect she is unstable ?
Every bit this knowledge and observation of loss makes me sick, Fei.
Outrageous. O u t r a g e d.

Van mentioned to me the other day something about maybe that is why it took her so long to find Her One.
How it might be because someone up there wants to warn her.
It's scary to look at things that way, considering how it's so hard for me to be with you. Or how impossible.
I really think Van's losing it.- Losing her grip, losing her character.
Is this the price one has to pay for The One?
If so, then it must be one of the most tragic thing on Earth.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 4/27/2003 07:10:00 PM
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Van's not in a good shape.

Typed a long post but it got accidentally deleted.
Shall write tomorrow.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 4/27/2003 05:44:00 PM
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Friday, April 25, 2003

Dearest Ron,
I met a friend at this pub called Water Pub ("wo de pub"! it's so lame it's funny),
And I wondered if you'll be there as well.
Not that I would recognise you actually.

I got to know this lady from London,
Which is great cos she's nice enough to tell me stuff about UK,
And I got her email address so I can email her to ask her stuff.
She was the 'door bitch', but she was nice.
She even gestured me to email her before she left.

I stuck a card in the loo saying,
"Looking for Fei~. You know how to get me. CEF."
It was so mad, I think I'm obsessed.
Undeniably, I'm still feeling something for you,
Enough for me not to know what to do about myself.

Got a headache now, so I shall head to bed.
Will go apply for my Australian universities tomorrow,
If I finally wake up early enough.
Have fun on the island in the sun.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 4/25/2003 08:37:00 PM
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Thursday, April 24, 2003

Van called me while I was at work yesterday (23rd Apr '03).
Told me you found the URL to the blogsite on my fridae profile.
Also asked if I got the message she left on the blogsite for me.

Think she was referring to the one about you still being in Singapore.
So I said yes, and told her I typed a reply,
Which was to tell you to contact me.
And Van said you probably wouldn't.
I said I know that, but at least I want to say what I meant,
And I wanted you to know about how I'm feeling.
Van explained that you were attached.
I said "Oh. Some Brit?"
She said, "Aiyar, dunno lar." (I think.)
Then we went on to talking about you,
How you're staying on Sentosa to avoid the masked folks and sars,
How Queenie jie was staying in Raffles Hotel, etc.
('Wah. So ex. Did you know it costs more than Fullerton?')
Then I asked if you still keep in touch with Sam, Eve, Ju, etc.
*pause*
"Actually... she's with Sam you see..."
"Oh ok. ... ... Aiyar then why just now you never say when I asked!"
"Aiyar! You asked if it was a Brit what!"
"Duh!"
"But you should know it's up to her what, afterall it's about her."
"Yar lar I know lah, I don't have the right to know stuff."
"Aiyar don't know lar!"
"Oh ok lor. Eh but even if attached still can keep in touch what."
"But you know Sam lah..."
"Hmm alright then."
"Anyway I gave her your number. Cos I knew you wouldn't mind anyway, haha!"
"Huh? Not like she'll call."
"I told her if she wants she can call you lah, see how lor."
"Like we always say, 'See how' means will never happen."
"Aiyar."
Yakked abit more till near the end of the phonecall, she said,
"Wah lao I feel like mailwoman again!"
"Haha. If you don't feel right just don't do it lah."

Seems like up till now, you're still calling the shots, Ronnie.
Wonder if Van still has the 100 rules you wrote for her stored in her head.
Told a friend about the Sentosa thing, and we both figured it's easier to find someone on Sentosa than in London, since there are only a handful of good hotels on Sentosa while there are millions of people living in London.
But I know I won't head to Sentosa to find you.

Then why did I intend to head to London?
I have no idea either.
I even borrowed a Frommer's guide to England today.
I guess I ain't analysing matters enough for my own good.
Somebody said to me, "It's amazing how three months of online chat changed your life."
Sometimes I feel like I'm obssessed,
Sometimes I feel that I'm so into you I'm losing my sanity.
I shall give myself more time.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 4/24/2003 05:06:00 PM
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Tuesday, April 22, 2003

There was a tinge of joy,
When I read from Van's message that you're still in Singapore.
Sometimes, I wonder if I'll really be so unlucky that if I ever fly to UK,
You will be actually back in Singapore.
Or somewhere else on Earth.

Guess you won't ever chance upon this site,
Since I don't intend to publish it unless I really go on a Ron-pilgrimage.

I'll change the blogskin soon.
As much as I love the Leaf(y) and Cream,
The colours seem to bright for my feelings.

Writing here is starting to seem a little like Bro Bin's Last Days.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 4/22/2003 05:00:00 PM
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I was with a friend, at one of those old orange-roof bus stops along a familiar stretch of roads that looked like somewhere in Jurong.
I can't remember who that friend was, but I had a letter with me.
She was looking out for the bus while I was opening this letter from one of my ex-classmates in secondary school.
I think the letter was sent from the UK - I can't recall now, either that or I didn't pay attention to what the stamp on the cover of the envelope.

A neatly typed letter inside read something like this:

Hey, I remembered you were trying to find this person by the name of Veronica and I happened to know a person with the same name.
Here is her address: [insert 4-liner address]. It could be her. :) Good luck!
PS: Oh ya, you may also want to visit her URL at . It's quite interesting! :)

My friend and I visited the website - don't ask me why we had internet access at the bus stop - and I saw pictures of me, and then of you.
(apparently, there were some text but I happily clicked on the pictures first).
There were some pictures of you, but guess what? They were taken at angles that made me unable to see your face again! Yar it sounds very familiar because you sent me a picture like this the first and only time we traded pictures! >:P

But from the ang mor people and the background, it looked like some classroom. Perhaps even some British classroom.

I was overwhelmed with joy. My heart was beating at 163 beats per minute and I couldn't do a thing but grin like an idiot.
I grabbed my friend and jumped around, only able to say "Yes!!! FINALLY!!!"

I jerked. I opened my eyes, I was still where I was since last night.
On my bed, alone, with no laptop, no letter, no nothing.

I don't recall no URL, I don't recall no address.

Felt super fucked. Anger plus depression.
It's the kind of feeling you get when your tutor writes on your paper that you've gotten an A then later tells you he made a mistake, you should have gotten a C, or even fail because despite your interesting piece, you went out of point.
It's the kind of feeling you get when you dream about having so much fun with someone you miss terribly and you wake up to find yourself all alone in the middle of the night. It is the kind of dreams that breaks you down.

Then I recalled the address said USA instead of UK.

Ronnie, sometimes thoughts of you just make me wanna cry, although I only do that when I have a drop too much.
Jack still wants to have some control over the way of expression. It must be so.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 4/22/2003 04:41:00 PM
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Monday, April 21, 2003

Today marks the day I start planning my trip to Europe.
I'm not sure if it will realise in the end,
But it's good to check my progress.

I've been wanting to go the the UK and Europe.
To travel, to see the world, to be inspired.
And the loudest little voice says,
To find Ron.
I've been checking out the visas,
And searching for places to work,
Like live-in accomodations and picking jobs.
Only problem I'm having,
Is that the jobs are usually out of London.
Or I have to pay to access the jobs.
Too early to say anything,
Hence I still haven't paid for the job information.
Who knows, SARS may kill all my plans to travel.
I'll wait for the embassy get back to me on the visa before I make futher plans.

The planning is overwhelming me,
Simultaneously with the fear and hope.
My life needs closure.
Or, a new beginning.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 4/21/2003 06:45:00 PM
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Saturday, April 19, 2003

I was at the jerky blogsite today,
Reading through the beef jerkies and tags,
And I saw a Fei.
I was wondering if it was Feiyan,
But who can ignore the trademark ~ and wot ?
The next thing I knew,
My adrenaline was pumping for the first time in 5 months.
That lasted approximately 15.25 seconds.
I think it was you.
I hope it was you.

Ron,
I still play the songs we used to share.
You're still The One I miss,
Especially on the rainy days.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 4/19/2003 09:08:00 PM
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Wednesday, April 16, 2003

It rained yesterday.
I went to school to help friends with FYP model yesterday.
Esther and I met Carl at Clementi by chance yesterday.
I missed you yesterday.

It rained today.
The MRT track was faulty today.
I fell asleep in the train today.
I'm missing you today, right now.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 4/16/2003 03:49:00 AM
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Sunday, April 13, 2003

I hate myself for allowing myself to be trapped in memories of us.
I hate your lies about Rykel.
I hate your little mind games.
I hate your little warped theories.
I hate your knowledge of how you can easily affect my emotions.
I hate your choice of leaving things as they were.
I hate your decision not to leave a trace.
I hate myself for being unable to leave the past behind.

I can't bring myself to leave us behind.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 4/13/2003 05:42:00 PM
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Saturday, April 12, 2003

[ On Wild Turkey Bourbon Coke ]
And you left,
Without any words,
Without a trace.
But you didn't leave me nothing,
For when I heard that you thought it'd be better this way,
There was heartache,
And there were tears in my eyes.

It was just wishful thinking on my part.

King of Wishful Thinking
Go West

I don't need
To fall at your feet
Just 'cause you
Cut me to the bone
And I won't miss
The way that you kiss me
We were never
Carved in stone
If I don't listen to
The talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'Cause I'm the
King of wishful thinking
I am the king of wishful thinking
I refuse to give in to my blues
That's not how it's going to be
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't want to let you see no
That you have made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'Cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'Cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I will never, never shed a tear for you
I'll get over you
If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself
I'll get over you I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'Cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I'm the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you I know I will
You made a hole in my heart
But I won't shed a tear for you
I'll be the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you
I'll pretend my heart's still beating
'Cause I've got no more tears for you
I'm the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you I know I will
You made a hole in my heart
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'Cause I'm the king of wishful thinking

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 4/12/2003 08:43:00 PM
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Dear Ron,
Met Van online and she told me you were online.
You were online with all of us.
In fact, you are online,
Right now as I am typing this.
And you're back in rainy Singapore.
I really want to talk to you, Ronnie,
And you'll never know how badly I want that.
Bin always has the right words for all situations.
And this time, her wise words are,
So near, but yet so far.

I feel sucky. :[

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 4/12/2003 07:06:00 PM
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Thursday, April 03, 2003

Dearest Ron,

Got a reply from Van after messaging her to tell her to beware of SARS
(Cos I heard PGP's got SARS victims you see)
And part of it was about how I am insensitive and callous.
I am highly disturbed, Ronnie.
I really do not know what I've done this time around,
Especially when this is the first time we are in contact after one whole month.
Is it what I wrote on my blog?
About how it's been insinuated that I've got an ugly personality,
That's why ex-girlfriends can't keep in touch with me.
Or is it about the blog Van and I share?
I don't know, and she didn't seem to be bothered to explain to me,
Cos when I called her she asked me why I even bother,
And said she had to go and she'll call back.
Might be because she was with Yingying,
Might be because she can't give a flying fuck anymore.
I know she won't call back,
So I've sent her an email...
Let's hope I find out why very soon,
Whatever the end may be.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 4/03/2003 05:38:00 PM
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Tuesday, April 01, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,

With all the war and epidermic going on,
The world has sank into a situation of greater Chaos,
Uncertainty and Paranoia.
You were right once again, when you said
Insecurity breeds paranoia.
Yes, I still remember ...
It's one of those things that somehow find a place in my head,
despite my poor memory for things in general.

Was talking to that online girl yesterday -
I was telling her about how I icq-ed Van & she didn't reply,
so if I ever die of SARS, Van wouldn't know either...
Then I thought about you.
Would I want you to know if the day I have to leave come?
The good old sayings always go,
One can only die peacefully if he has left nothing undone in his life.
This is virtually impossible, of course,
So the only way to die almost at perfect peace,
Is to make sure all the bigger things in life are settled.
How can I leave, when I have yet to find out if you truly exist,
... and if you did love me?
Yet, how can I leave,
If I finally find you and realised whatever I hope was true is indeed real?

If the day Jack meets Ron finally arrives,
And I eventually know that the past is gone forever,
That is when I know an important part of my life has finally found closure.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 4/01/2003 01:33:00 PM
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