~ Letters to Leafy ~<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8">

Saturday, May 31, 2003

Dearest One,

Went to the Post Office today --- was really nervous when I collected the package. My heart was beating so quickly, I felt as if everyone around me could hear my the found of my heart beating. And when I opened the package, there was great relief. I've got the visa. Then it all sank in and it was like Euphoria. I've got the visa !! *waves passport to show off visa* Was damn happy. Went to pay for and collect my air tickets from the agent right after that.
Besides having things settled, it is definitely a great feeling to know that I'm sorta one step closer to breathing the air that you breathe.

Sophir asked me last night, what am I seeking out of doing this. (Thanks to Hui Ee's announcement of me leaving the team at the last Hainan trip meeting, Sophir found out I was going to Europe). So I told her I just wanted to feel closer to you, to breathe the air that you breathe, to feel the beat of the city you're living in... Stupid as it may sound, I'm sure there are people in the world who would understand how this feels like.

To put it very plainly and blatantly, I know that this is perhaps the only way that I can attempt to understand you better right now...

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/31/2003 09:02:00 PM
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Thursday, May 29, 2003

Dear Ronnie,
I've got a registered package with the post office --- they left a note at my door, since I was at work when they visited.
Can only collect the package on Saturday morning since I'll be at work the whole day tomorrow, followed by tution at Nette's place. (Been really really busy with work recently).
Let's hope it's good news!
*crosses everything crossable*

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/29/2003 06:06:00 PM
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Monday, May 26, 2003

~ Xin Dong ~

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/26/2003 05:02:00 PM
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Heard them play John Lennon's Jealous Guy on TV today and thought of you.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/26/2003 04:45:00 PM
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Thursday, May 22, 2003

Clay sang Lionel Ritchie's Hello on the finals of American Idol today, and it reminded me of you.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/22/2003 04:54:00 PM
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Tuesday, May 20, 2003

~ THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD ~ Will Young

The long and winding road
That leads, to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me rehe
Lead me to your door
The wild and windy night
That's the rain, washed away
Has left a pool of tears, crying for the day
Why leave me standing road
Let me know the way
Many times I've been alone
A many times I've cried
And anyway you'll never know
The many ways I've tried
But still they lead me back
To the long, and winding road
You left me standing here, a long long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door
But still they lead me back
To the long, and winding road
You left me standing here, a long long time ago
Don't keep me waiting here
Lead me to your door

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/20/2003 04:29:00 PM
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Monday, May 19, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,
Collected my financial standing from the bank today.
Sent out the visa application today.
Thought about you today.
Spoke to Huiyi about my travel plans, and I felt very foolish when she exclaimed "You haven't even seen this girl!"
But I think she understood when I said I only had one life, and hence didn't laugh at me. 2 ways we can look at this: Either she was lending me support as a good friend, or she gave up on me. While walking her back, I told her I know I am and felt silly, and she said she didn't think I was.
Guess the only thing that can stop me now, is ... I don't even know what.
Perhaps Mom.

Your silly (ex) bestest friend,
Jack.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/19/2003 06:24:00 PM
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Sunday, May 18, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,
It is when I'm in your shoes (having to do all the admin bits for my trip) that I discover how busy and frustrated you might have been when you had to go through all the red tape just to make sure your migration went smoothly. I'll be calling the British High Comm again tomorrow to check my visa.
By the way, what would you do, if almost every single song you hear reminds you of someone whom you can't forget (in a good way) ?

Yours in-deep-thought,
Jack.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/18/2003 07:02:00 PM
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Saturday, May 17, 2003

KillerJay n t6kUyA would like to rent this space to send Holly n Polly their regards.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/17/2003 08:56:00 PM
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Dearest Ronnie,

Back from cycling session. Met Sophir and her friend called Hiekel (not sure how to spell it) at this S-11 in the area. Guess it's always nice to catch up with friends, since it's been a month since I saw Sophir and lots happened in between.
After her friend left and we were preparing to walk home), I told her, "There's something that I think you'd laugh at me for."
"What ?"
"I still think about Ron lots."
"No, I won't laugh at you for that."
I was quite surprised, since she was always condemning me having eye candies like Jill and Fiona.
I didn't ask why she didn't laugh, nor think that it was dumb; my speculation is that she probably knew I ain't kidding, hence it isn't a laughing matter.
*shrug*
Was thinking about the spanish movie I watched with Ruth, called 'Talk to Her' on my way back, and I got kinda sad. As much as how Benigno has a monologue with his beloved Alicia who was in a coma, I'm here too, having a monologue with myself. There ain't any chances for communication between you and I, so I resort to this. Much like Benigno. However, the audience will discover later that is it all a one-sided affair on Benigno's part, and I might end up the way he did too... Afterall, how can anything occur in a situation where only one person does the talking?

Kinda tired now. Emotionally and physically. Just waiting to cool down before I wash up and go to bed.
Can't wait for the weekends to end so I can start my visa application, make enquiries and do all the red tape, which you probably went through before.

Thinking about you lots,
Jack.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/17/2003 08:53:00 PM
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Dearest Ronnie,

Met two old classmates today who provided me with some information about London. Not very encouraging, but they're pretty supportive, and that keeps me optimistic.

I've been compiling most of the emails you wrote to me in chronological order. So far, it's been from the first one you wrote when you left for UK, to the bye-bye letter your wrote on the morning you left with Queenie jie. Re-reading everything was like getting to know you all over again. It took up around 62 A6 pages (that's about 15 A4 sheets), which was pretty cool. Well, cool isn't exactly the best word to use, but you know my vocab sucks.
Maybe when I find time, I'll throw in more emails, including those I wrote, and I can call the book The Diary of McKean and Leafy. Certainly not as intelligent as Twain's Diary of Adam and Eve, but I'll do fine with my version.

Always get a mixture of complex emotions whenever I read the mails and chats, and throw them together with whatever I recall. Guess Rykel was a big thing at that time, and still a small issue up to now. Cos I knew you were upset when Rykel said she cried when you left,... guess we all shed tears, so what did that mean? It's the 'I guess Ron didn't really like me that much anyway.' Then there's the Sam thing. Of how I know I've got nothing that makes me superior to Sam, or even your other ex-s (except the evil first one)... perhaps the only thing I can be confident of is how I feel about you, but who would believe that, especially when I don't know the 'real you' ?

If someone ever reads this, they'll probably be saying that this is one of the dullest blogs ever, since I'm always repeating my points.. about our past, about you, about me, about my thoughts and feelings. But, oh well, this is my blog so I shouldn't be giving two hoots. (This blog is reminding me of this other blogsite called dearraed which was about this guy in Iraq writing to his friend in a similar manner though.)

I've been quarrelling with Mom over little things recently. And I know I could have been more patient, cos it was really her doing me favours like applying a visa card for me, checking if I've done my stuff... but I'm kinda stressed up with all the uncertainties like my visa application, ticketing issues, finances, etc.It sucks big time, cos I know we both don't want this to happen, especially when I'll be away for so damn long. I don't know what will happen to me -- should I be real unlucky, I'll need someone to take care of her... and I'll blame myself for being the most unfilial kid ever. (so much for having you tell me to be a good kid before you left). Sigh.

I know you said you didn't want me to check on you, nor ask people about you, so I haven't. Well, I did mention to a few friends outside my clique about what inspired me to fly to London (you know, I did mention long ago that I'd like to get a job in UK so we could spend time together... oh well.), that's all. But I haven't asked about you, so I guess I still kept my promise. Sometimes, I think I'm so dumb I don't know if I was right --- like how you told me not to call you on your mobile when I had your number so I never did --- a little too nice for my own liking, ha.

Shall end off now. Gonna go night-cycling to clear my mind...

Yours Foolishly,
Jack.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/17/2003 05:48:00 PM
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Friday, May 16, 2003

Dearest Ron,

They published Sun Yanzi's boyfriend's picture on the cover of the chinese tabloids --- he really isn't much of a looker.
I think you'd have protested, or proclaimed him as a smoke-screen for Stefie, assuming you still like her.
Heard that Stefanie Sun song Wo Bu Nan Guo on my way to work in the morning.
"Wo bu nan guo, zhi shi wei shen me yan lei hui liu, wo ye bu dong... ..."
These lines are surely the most apt to describe those emotions that surge when no one's looking, in those deep dark quiet nights.

It's definitely hard to explain something, when even the protagonist finds it irrational, unreasonable and non-sensical.
Wish someone would tell me why everytime I think of you and read our old emails and chats, I'll end up tearing myself to sleep.
Guess I'm just a little too emotional for my own good ever since the walls of SP came crashing down.
I think I really do love you still.

Yours,
Jack.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/16/2003 07:45:00 PM
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Thursday, May 15, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,

I visited my aunt's (Mom's younger sis) place at Chancery Court today and it reminded me of you.
Firstly, it was becaused I recalled you had a house somewhere there.
Secondly, it was really cosy and nice and I could imagine us living there, though it might have been a tad too small for your liking.
It's quite a nice size for a small family, I think. A small green patch outside, a small living room, a double volume dining area, a small space with a sofa under the spiral stairs, a nice spiral staircase leading to three bedrooms upstairs... I'd really love to stay there with the one I want to spend my life with. Throw in some dogs and cats and it'll be almost perfect (can't say perfect, since nothing is perfect).

Once again, I realise that I'm just blabbering to myself, and you might just laugh your head off if you come across this site one day. Alternatively, you may also feel irritated and disgusted by how clingy my feelings have been, how it just doesn't go away. Afterall, you're already happily with Sam, and I'm already out of the picture of your life. If people call my memories my haven, I will graciously accept it. I know it is dumb to read all our old conversations and emails to find stuff to be happy about, to feel good about, to think of how sweet you were... but that's just Jack.

Remember your byebye-letter where you wrote that I should just take it as if we met on some holiday, and we have to go back to our own lives ? Sometimes I wonder, if you can be with Sam (since she's also sort of based in Singapore), why can't we work things out ? Then I'm reminded of how it is possible for her to be with you physically anytime she wishes to (since she flies so frequently), while I have to count my pences; I'm reminded of how it was her who was with you all those times you needed someone, while I can never be physically with you. Ah zi has this new song called Wo Bu Nan Guo, which has a line that went '...Shi wo mei you, pei zai ni shen bian dang ni ji mo shi hou...'... It always makes me sad, because I know that I haven't been and couldn't be with you when you were feeling very down, or rather, I didn't even know about it. It sucks to the core, and the pain in knowing things only after it happened (like your hospitalisation times) goes throbbing in my heart everytime I'm reminded of my incapability.

Shall not go on now, as there are a lot of things to do prior to the trip, and I need to be practical and focused for now till I leave.
Till I write again, hope all goes well and I'll be praying for your happiness.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/15/2003 05:35:00 PM
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Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Dearest one,
I finally managed to import the old emails from my old outlook express into my current one, and I spent some time going through some of our old emails.
Somehow, I read more sad ones than happy ones. Guess it's always part of my habits to indulge myself in my collection of sad stuff. People always wonder why I keep those messages from loved ones that were meant to scold me more than keep the lovey ones. Aha. This is one thing I can't exactly explain.
Booked my air tickets yesterday, but I'm not quite ready to go. Not that I have a lot to leave behind, it's really just Mom that's making me feel bad. I'm so selfish, Ronnie.
Guess the uncertainties that lie ahead is making me a little fearful, as the lack of funds plus the lack of planning plus the lack of luck is the worse thing that can happen, so now I'm just telling myself everyday that I must remain optimistic.

Kinda had a tiff (again) with Van yesterday. About being friendly to her wife. It's hard to be friendly to someone whose personality clashes with mine so much. I told Van I can't be hypocritical and be warm to people I don't give two hoots about. Van thinks I'm angsty. I can't think of any reaons why I should be. If I don't give any hoots, if a person ain't a friend, I don't really care what this person does, unless his/her actions have a direct impact on someone I care about. Hence, I am only pissed off with her those times Van's wife stuff that hurts Van. Van said she's tired (I suppose of all the witholding of information when it comes to talking to me), and it's gonna be hard for us to remain friends if I can't be normal (can't recall her exact phrase) to her wife. It's normal that I ignore her wife, so I can't get more normal. Hence I told Van let's just leave it. Afterall, it's not as if it would be really hard to choose if Van had to make a choice. Her other-half always comes first, I think we all know that by now. Guess she wouldn't call in a couple of weeks at least. I'll give her a call before I leave to tell her about this long trip though... can't just leave her without telling her, 'cos in case something causes her to feel terribly sucky happens again and if she only realises then that I'm not around, it would likely double the blow --- not that I'm egoistic, but I know the last thing someone needs when she feels down is to realise a friend she thought she could seek for comfort isn't around. (I'm like that too).

Shall go read up on Europe and UK now. Wish me luck in my visa application alright?

Yours,
CEF.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/13/2003 07:16:00 PM
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Sunday, May 11, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,
They showed the Princess Bride on Channel 5 today. Was a waste that I only found out when half of it was over, but I watched whatever was left anyway. It's really pretty good. Westley and Buttercup. The way the whole fairytale was done was also funny, yet kinda moving in its own way.
Went to read snippets of our old irc logs again and the memories came rushing back.
Glad I read it in the afternoon or the tidal waves of nostalgia would have destroyed the dams and flooded my eyes.
It's amazing how everything happened, you and I.

Don't know if I've mentioned this in my earlier posts (I've got a bad memory, recall?) but there was once I told Binbin (Brotha's friend) about the message you left on the other blogsite, and told her you didn't want to leave your contact behind. She told me I should be happy.
I was like, " HUH? Why should I be happy when she doesn't even wanna be in contact?! "
"But don't you think that if she doesn't wanna be in contact, it probably means she feel something? Otherwise, she won't mind talking to you again and all that what."
"... Uh, that is indeed very optimistic. Maybe she has other reasons for not wanting to keep in contact?"
"Like?"
"... Like she's plain not interested in talking to me anymore."
"... oh ..."
*shrug*

Still think about you loads and think I still feel for you, but don't worry about it 'cos I think it has reached this level that An called Spiritual Love. Meaning I don't need to possess you, I don't need you to reciprocate... perhaps it sounds kinda mad but, I shall leave it where it belongs until one day it chooses to go away on its own.

In case you get paranoid about me being in UK, don't worry, London is a huge place, and I might not even stay there. And like I said, even if I do, chances of us crossing paths are little, and chances of me recognising you is zero.
Guess I'm calmer and more at ease now, after a terrible headache tortured me till I took a panadol extra - it really works like some miracle pill.
I've decided to just give my best shots in terms of planning, and be more spontaneous - you didn't like me planning nor thinking too much anyway. *shmiles*
Sometimes, it's good to leave it up to fate and see where it brings me.

As Moulin Rogue put it, Come what may ...

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/11/2003 04:09:00 PM
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Friday, May 09, 2003

Dearest One,

Having some planning issues with the Europe trip. :[
Shall name you the rocks in my path, ok ?

1) Air tickets is fine now, cos I've found Cathay Pacific which is having some promotion, which means I can get a 6-month ticket without having to fork out more than a thousand bucks. The only 'down' side is thet they'll do a stopover in Hong Kong on my way back. Ain't too good to pass by Sars-hotpot, and ain't too good to fly by a plane from Sars-hotpot, but I think I shouldn't be too paranoid. Afterall, beggars can't be choosers --- it's not possible to have something cheap and desirable all the time.

2) Ming can't put me up for too long in London. Which effectively means I should find my own accomodation. I perfectly understand her situation --- she has 2 housemates sharing an apartment with 2 rooms and they converted the living room into another bedroom --- and she needs personal space due to terrible work stress. Ming's a really wonderful person, and she is really dedicated to her work, hence I won't wanna trouble her too. One thing I'm worried about is the high cost in London. Initially I thought I could probably just share rent with Ming, but now I know it's impossible. I'm really quite at a loss. The cash is definitely a big problem, or at least till I find a job. I'm already considering working outside London since it's more expensive in London itself. I don't know, I need to plan. Friends have told me I can't sleep in the parks.

3) Security. I don't know how safe it is now that I won't be with Ming all the time I thought I would. Another option is to just head to Oxford or Notts to find other friends. And work at those places. Try to find work. I'm gonna start listing pals and start writing to them now.

4) A little concerned about leaving Mom behind... guess I'm kinda selfish... *sigh*

Was telling Ruth and An, it is amazing how wanting to be near you has been a driving force to start doing research on UK, only to result in so much more.
An kinda frowned upon it, but I think my friends just wanted to make sure you ain't the only reason I'm heading to UK.
I said it wasn't. I know it's impossible for me to recognise you, close to impossible for our paths to cross even if we were both in London, so there must be some other purpose of going abroad. Especially after spending so much.
Perhaps I just want to push myself to the limit before I head to Aussie to lead an independent 2 years in school, living on my own.
I want to believe that I'm a survivor.
And I want to prove it too.
Somehow, I have to admit that in some way, the thoughts of you help in keeping my belief that I can and will survive there, no matter how tough things will get.

As they always say, When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

Shall plan properly and maintain an optimistic view. :]

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/09/2003 08:42:00 PM
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Tuesday, May 06, 2003

Dearest Ron,
Remember how I used to say it was good being home during the weekends (from hostel), because I know that you were closer to me ? Yeah, in terms of physical distance... although we were really still pretty far apart...
Last night, I dreamt that I was in London. I was alone, but I felt really happy, right till the moment I woke up. I was kinda puzzled at first, but it soon came to me that it's that same old theory again.
I get this uplifting feeling, when I know that I'll be where you are, very soon. And even if we don't meet, at least I know I've made the effort to be closer to you once again.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/06/2003 02:47:00 PM
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Monday, May 05, 2003

Dear Fei,
Forgive me for being unable to let go of this term.
Remember how I told you before you left, that I'll always be constantly reminded of you, especially when I'm stuck in a leafy country with green leaves all year around?
For most plants, at least.
There's been so many things that kept reminding me of you these few weeks.
First, pictures & photographs of leaves. From my livejournal community, from the spa book I was flipping through for my work, ...
Secondly, names of people. Saw a letter on the office table addressed to a Ronnie. There was another Ronnie elsewhere too. And they have been playing the Under One Roof advert on TVMobile on the bus and first they flash the letter R many times, then they flashed one after another, Ronnie Ronnie R o n n i e.
:|

My plans to Europe might take a turn now that Esther is expressing interest in heading to Spain at the end of June with me. I'm very tempted and she's been highly encouraging. This means that I'll either head back to Singapore earlier, or suffer the consequences of losing many months of pay which I desperately need for my school fees in Aussie next year, and to pay credit card bills when I get back from UK/Europe.
I'll think about it and tell her at the end of this week.
Meanwhile, I've started to eat more cheap 'western food' like potatoes and tomatoes in train myself up for scrimping in UK/Europe without starving. :)

Hope to see you soon ...

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/05/2003 06:14:00 PM
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Friday, May 02, 2003

A night of heavy downpour.
Sleepless again.
In fact, I've been sleepless pretty often recently.
I don't know if it's because of the rain,
Or it's because of thoughts of you.

Shall head to bed after this last entry to you.
I'm writing too much today.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/02/2003 09:30:00 PM
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Dearest Fei,
A colleague went for scuba-diving for the weekend and it reminded me of your holidays and scuba-diving sessions. Van once told me how you were so daring you went into the waters even when you didn't know very well how to dive. I know Sam can and will take good care of you, but please just promise me you won't do such things ever again alright? I'll always worry about you, in a way.
Rememeber you asked me what will I do if something happened to you ?
Somehow, even though I know you're safe and sound, and living life well, it is already happening to me.

It struck me today that I'm merely existing.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/02/2003 08:33:00 PM
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Dear Ronnie,
Sister Danielle messaged me yesterday to inform me about the change in her phone number. It's nice to hear from her, even though it's just a simple sms 'cos that really shows she bothers to keep us in contact.
Suddenly, it all seems like so long ago.
I still remember how you were so nice as to offer to talk to her on the phone when she was crying about Jayne that lil' bastard (at that time). Danielle's attached to a guy now, and the last thing I heard was they are getting on real fine.
Remember you're her sister too ? Honestly, I can't recall if you were her sister or sister-in-law, but... let me just summarise it as that it's a nice nostalgic feeling that overcame me. And those 'role-playing' sessions of guests in our penthouse-with-a-seaview never fail to make me smile.
Here's a quote that I always believe, and that has been proven to be very accurate and apt because of you ---

I always knew I'd look back at the times I cried and laugh,
But I never knew I'd look back at the times I laughed and cry.

*weak smile*

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 5/02/2003 08:19:00 PM
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