~ Letters to Leafy ~<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8">

Saturday, June 21, 2003

Dearest One,

Today is a fine day in London, with cool wind and sunshine. And the blog skins seem to be updating. Wish I could write a better column (see left of blog), but I just don't know what to say, so I'm leaving it.

Arrived at an indecent 5am, but after all the customs and healthcheck, I found myself in the middle of Heathrow at 630am. It was still rather early, but I rang up my sis & we arranged to meet at 10am at Earl's Court. Took a tube to Earl's Court and tried to hang around doing nothin', but that proved too difficult due to all the luggage and no street benches. Hence at near 9am, I rang my sis again, and the nice girl arranged for her room mate to open the doors and welcome me. We had the Bayswater Four Season's Duck Rice for lunch, walked through Kensington Park, and here I am, sitting in the computer lab of Imperial College typing this to you.

Wrote you a letter while stoning on a bench at Earl's Court Tube Station... Here goes bits of it (with editting)...
... Sorry, the baggage you wanted to leave behind just had to find its own way here. ... See the guards that you've seen, hear the bells you've heard, breath the air that you've breathed, walk the streets that you've walked, rub shoulders with the same people as you have, feel the sunshine you felt, ... now I'm just waiting for the day, when I sit on the same bench as you're sitting, at the same moment in time.
If thoughts could kill, Ronnie, being a cat a million times over wouldn't have kept me alive.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 6/21/2003 02:50:00 PM
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Thursday, June 19, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,
Flying off in 26 hours! And I haven't packed nor plan the itinerary! * panick button depressed *
Really choosing wisely which friends to meet up now that I lack time, and sadly, I didn't get to meet all those I really wanted to.
Just read this book called "First Time Europe", and I must say it did give as much in sight as Mr Meng did the other day (he talked mostly about food, how in different countries people eat at different times, etc.). One thing I learnt, is that I shouldn't be bringing my portfolio into UK like a file. Need to hide it.
Shall get packing now and stop typing. See you.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 6/19/2003 09:05:00 AM
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Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Dear Ronnie,
I've got my pounds today. This is really a bad time to go UK & Europe, ho.
Kim wrote back and suggested I stay at her place, but I don't think she knows that I'm gonna stay put in London for so long. I wrote back to tell her I'll call her some time to make arrangements.
Arrangements are quite fuzzy now, cos this fella who's building a house in France wrote back to me to tell me that he can provide me with free accomodation and food if I help him build his house (together with a couple of other travellers). It's really not a bad deal, only thing being that I might run outta cash when I go back to UK.
Still contemplating. I might just drop the whole idea of making a reservation in the hostel at Bayswater and just go ahead with the French dude's thing, and head back to London at a much later date than originally planned. Need to either plan or decide to leave everything spontaneous (yeap, I remember you much preferred the latter cos you used to twitch at the word plan).
Don't know where in the world you are now, but I know you're in Sam's care, so that is good. This may sound dumb since I don't pray, but, yeah the gist is that you'll be in my prayers.

PS: Wanted to edit this skin and the text on the left column, but somehow the skin couldn't be updated! :|

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 6/18/2003 06:30:00 PM
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Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,
Told Brotha Bin about this blog that day I was whoozy at Monks. Not that I didn't know I was telling her, but oh well.... Brotha asked why I added a comment box. Now, that is a very good question. Of course, I'm hoping that some day you'll chance upon this blog, and leave a message. It's these almost null chance things that are going in my head all the time, and it makes me seem unreasonably vexed.
Pounds are rising rapidly. Euros too. :|

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 6/17/2003 07:22:00 PM
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Monday, June 16, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,
Van told me today that she was gonna go Thailand alone. I was pretty worried, but later she found out that her wife booked the same package seperately. That's good, I guess, cos at least there is someone around for her. Despite Van saying that YY doesn't give 2 hoots, I'm sure during times of crisis YY will be there. Plus, I believe this trip will 'make' the r/s instead of 'break' it. Let's hope that Van would have fun on this trip k? No one would wanna pay $300 for a shitty trip.
I told Van about my Europe/London trip too. She asked a couple of questions, so I told her all she wanted to know.
I'm still feeling weird about everything, and I can't explain.
Sigh.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 6/16/2003 06:58:00 PM
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Sunday, June 15, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,

Not sure if I've wrote about leaving my job, but for the record, friday was the last day at work.

Confession - I went on a date. Sort of... Met this person from NUS online a while ago, and met her the previous Friday at Monks. We could yak a bit, so that was fine. Mmm... actually I thought she was your type. As in like, I felt that she was along the type you were. I'm sure no one would agree to this, Ronnie, and I'm sorry I ever felt this way. Let's just leave it as she wasn't really what I'm looking for even though she is not too bad a person. And of course, there wasn't much to feel.

Like I've told Celine, despite the fact that sometimes I think it's more practical and logical to try moving on, I don't want the day to come when life gives me another chance with you, yet I ain't ready 'cos I'm with someone else or anything like that. There was a quote which went something like, it's not that we don't get our chances in life, it's just that we are often not ready when it comes. Plus your quote on how love is not about statistics and reasoning, we have this - my decision to be ready for the chance despite how it doesn't seem to be pratical, logical, reasonable, or even possible.

Celine's family was away on a holiday, so I invited her to my grams' for dinner on Sat. Went to One Fullerton area after that, and I stayed over at her place.

Woke up the next morning alone (she was upstairs), and it was really nice walking around the empty house, walking into the sunny poolside and all that. And it struck me that your Andrew Road house is probably like this too - all the sunshine, the lawn, etc. (In London, there's not much sunshine except for summer, right?)

All this preparation for the relatively short trip - tangible and intangible stuff - is really increasing the sort of experiences I'm getting. Now I know how Ruth, Yan and Ming felt when they left to study abroad. Now I know how you felt when you had to leave Singapore. All the physical stuff, psychological stuff, emotional stuff.. it surely ain't easy, fei... I'm sorry if I wasn't understanding enough in the past, always telling you how we should be going through paradise even if it was just for a day, and I'm sorry that you wasted so much time with me online (hence sacrificing all the precious time you could have otherwise spent more usefully with the others).

I'm learning about you and about life. Slowly, but surely.
And that is what will keep me going.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 6/15/2003 01:31:00 PM
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Thursday, June 12, 2003

Been too tired to read up on the trip.
Need to do so quickly next week, plus settle a portfolio to bring over.
I need some strength and motivation.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 6/12/2003 06:53:00 PM
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Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Dear Ronnie,
Played with a Cream today on my way back from work. It was very friendly, snuggling up my legs. :]
Thought about you today.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 6/11/2003 05:54:00 PM
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Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,

Van told me about her private blogsite today, and I took a peek at the site. (Allow me to go off-track for a bit --- Realised today that it actually isn't very hard to tell when Van's in a good mood and when she's feeling down. *beams* Improved sensitivity? Think it's just cos when she's upbeat she'll rattle a lot more...)
It was set up for her by this online-friend of hers. I told her she'll end up with this girl, but heh, she said she'll never. We'll just wait and see, yeah? Hmm. She cut me off before I could list all my blogs, which was good, I guess, cos I wouldn't want to declare this blog before I leave Singapore...

There's something I wanted to say, but it'd seem like boasting... *contemplates hard*... Heck, shall say it anyway. Van wrote on her blog/spoke to me about how if one helf another close to his/her heart, he/she wouldn'd need a 'replacement'. And I'm very proud to declare here that, THAT, is exactly how I feel when I love someone.

Why would I settle for something else, when I know exactly what I want?
Why would I need anything else in the world, when I already have what I need, even though not physically?

But having said that, it does seem a little creepy and surreal, simply because in my case, it seems like it is all only in my head...
Emotions are indeed a very complex affair.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 6/10/2003 06:26:00 PM
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Monday, June 09, 2003

Dear Ronnie,

Had a fabulous birthday celebration with my pals... We went to watch Ruth sing at The Ark, and Ruth was very sweet when she sang David Tao's "22" for me. It was mainly about a person who went in search of her dreams at the age of 22, and Ruth was telling the crowd how she's dedicating the song to me since I'm gonna be gone for quite a long time. :)

Somehow, some songs always make me think about you. Like Sun Yanzi's Wo Bu Nan Guo, That I Would Be Good, etc. *shrug*
Mingchen called up today and she asked about you. I told her since my knowledge of you is limited, guess it's all up to fate. She's really sweet, cos she was obviously busy but took out time. Yan too, was rushing her work but took time to call too. Love my friends so much.

Wish you were here, but I did have a great time.
Did have a great time, but wish you were with me.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 6/09/2003 08:06:00 PM
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Friday, June 06, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,
I yakked to Van on the phone last night after more than a month of non-contact. Was pretty good, just that things have been sucky for her cos of her Dad's bad state of health. Felt kinda sucky when I hid the fact that I was leaving for Europe from her. Just didn't know how to phrase it...
We were talking about Liam(y), her pretty friend. Ha, I 'reprimanded' Van for being selfish. I said, "Wah! You are horrid! You don't want me and yet you don't want others to have me!" And we both laughed. When I told Nette about it today, and Nette said Van would approve it if the person is really good for me. Guess Van would be really happy to know that Nette is so understanding.
Went Mad Monks today and met a couple of people whom I haven't seen in ages. I'm glad I went out... think I was suffering withdrawal symptoms from the lack of pubbing/clubbing. ;P

PS: I remember my pri school chinese teacher once told Mom that I suck at ending off compositions. Like, I'll write this whole beautiful essay on a day at the beach, but I'll end off with like 'We had a good day, and we went home.', which totally kills the essay. As you read my writings, I'm sure you'll see that this sucky habit stuck with me!

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 6/06/2003 09:16:00 PM
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Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Since I know I can't do a thing when it comes to you, here are some thoughts.
And since we both know I suck at expressing with my own words, here are some borrowed paragraphs.

If I Could
[1927]

If I could paint
I'd paint a portrait of you
The sunlight in your eyes a masterpiece of truth
And a single tear like a silent prayer
That's shining so much brighter than a diamond ever dared
If I could do anything at all, I'd do it for you

If I could write
I'd write a book for you
A tale of hidden treasures with an I.O.U
And a million words couldn't say a thing
That won't be said in three words
Where love's the central theme
If I could do anything at all, I'd do it for you

Darling can't you see
What you mean to me
Anything that I can do I'll do it for you
And darling don't you know
Just how far I'd go
Anything that I can do, I'd do it for you

Sometimes I feel so second-rate
Seems loving you was my greatest mistake
I know I'm insecure
And love don't keep score
But I wish I could give you more

If I could play
I'd play up a storm for you
A raging sea of passion that you never knew
Every whispered sound would touch your heart
And maybe for a moment I could be your favourite star
If I could do anything at all
If I could, I'd give you more
If I could do anything at all�..I'd do it for you

And darling can't you see
You mean the world to me
Anything that I can do I'll do it for you
And darling don't you know
Just how far I'd go
Anything that I can do I'll do it, I'll do it for you
I'll do it, do it for you

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 6/04/2003 06:37:00 PM
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Dearest Ron,
Met Leo today and I told her about my London plans. She was quite happy for me that I could take time off to go travel, since she is having problems job-hunting. (That poor girl got conned - sorta - she went for a management trainee job, which was in reality a door-to-door sales job!) I told her briefly about you, alongside many other things like how I had a crush on her good friend, how fat people look less boobsy cos their tummy are inline with their chests.. LOL. The way Leo talks about stuff is hilarious.
She said a simple line that made me feel uneasy though. She was saying something about me thinking too much... and I think she's right, in a way.
Like how I always want to control my feelings and all that ?
Like how I often fear going for stuff without having an idea of what lies ahead...
Like how I always want to calculate my risks...
It seems trivial, but I don't know why it's bugging me.
Fei, tell me why...?

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 6/04/2003 06:32:00 PM
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Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Dearest One,

Was talking to Melvin today over fags (work's been really draining), about the unreachable girls again.
He was commenting on how he feels that he would just try for someone even if it seems unreachable, or else he'll never know what would have happened, and this unknown thing would leave him hanging.
Almost wanted to tell him about you. Somethings he say really hit home you know... I subscribe to this 'just give it your best shot' thing, really... but many times I lack the confidence to tell myself that 'hey, I ain't lesser than that dude you're with/in love with.', that sorta thing.

Been hard at work and reading up on Spain, hence haven't gone to read about London again. But Ming called today and told me about London hostels. She sounded really tired and it made me feel really shitty, like some parasite... No, I ain't saying she sounded horrid. She was really nice! That's the problem! I know she's really drowning in her work, and it really touches me to know that she sets aside time to deal with my trash - like finding out my schedule, asking what help she can offer, apologising for not replying emails often... It only makes me more determined to find a way out on my own when I'm in London. Like I told Celine, Liang and Ruth, it's good enough to know that Ming would be there for me if something terrible (like hospitalisation, freak accidents) should happen to me while I'm there. I shall and will make it !!! >:]

Tired. It's really late now, and there's more rush at work tomorrow. I'll write to you again soon...

Thinking of you lots.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 6/03/2003 08:26:00 PM
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Monday, June 02, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,
Melvin, a colleague cum ex-schoolmate, and I were talking about girls today. (He asked me a couple of days ago about me so I told him honestly)
He asked if I've ever felt that someone was unreachable.
I asked him what he meant.
He asked if I've ever felt that I'll never get someone, perhaps because I felt inferior.
I thought about you immediately.
Well... I did think about you when he mentioned the word 'unreachable', but as he mentioned the 'inferior' bit, I knew I had to admit that it was you I thought about. I didn't tell him much though, only said 'Well I'm sure there was someone like that in my life.'
Sometimes, I wonder if Van would ask me 'What are you trying to prove, Jack?' if I told her about this trip. Perhaps this is one reason why I have yet to tell her. It is one of those questions which can generate no answer. I don't think I'm trying to prove something --- I just wanna do something I want, something I feel is right, something true to myself. I don't know, and perhaps don't care if others see it the same way. I couldn't care less if people think it's dumb or irrational.
Rationality isn't my forte when it comes to feeling for you.
And I knew that right from the day I started feeling for you.
The threads of sanity, were probably just an illusion I created for you and myself.
Need to go plan the Europe trip now... I'll catch you later...

Talking to thyself,
Jack.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 6/02/2003 05:41:00 PM
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Sunday, June 01, 2003

Fei, I'm just feeling very unprepared... :|
Shall go drink mom's soup and try to get some reading done...

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 6/01/2003 06:15:00 PM
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