~ Letters to Leafy ~<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8">

Sunday, September 28, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,
Maybe it is time for me to move around, while awaiting your almost impossible return.
Till then, everything remains as you wish.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/28/2003 08:36:00 PM
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Dearest Ronnie,
Lots of fallen leaves at Regent's Park today.
Thought about you today.
Brotha posted a song in her Last Days for her ex, which I thought would be quite apt for me to dedicate to you too.
Here is it, yeah?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Time Tommy Page

I remember the day you said goodbye
Something was calling you
I could read it in your eyes
You told me that someday we'd meet again
But deep inside I always knew
This was the end

I remember those words you claimed
As I stood in the pouring rain
When I showed my heart would never be the same

You told me time will always heal the pain
Bring the sun and dry the rain
We need time to solve and think our problems through
You told me time is always on my side
To turn the season
Change the tide
Things work out with time if you want them to
Why can't time make me stop
Loving you

It wasn't very easy when you left
Every mention of your name
Would get me so upset
I trapped my emotions deep inside
I acted like I didn't care
With hopes this would subside

I try to get you off my mind
I live my life just wasting time
Hoping that someday I can say the same

Time will always heal the pain
Bring the sun and dry the rain
Things work out with time if you want them to
Why can't time make me stop
Loving you ~

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/28/2003 01:17:00 AM
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Saturday, September 27, 2003

Dearest Ron,

I don't know why I'm thinking about such stuff, when it's all irrelevant to our seperate lives.
But since it's on my mind, I shall record it here, alright?

So a couple of months ago, there was a girl who asked me, when do I know that I love someone? That was pretty tough a question in itself, as love is so complex despite simple in itself. I told her then that it was when I could imagine myself living with the person. Not a good answer, but that was what I could honestly say then.

Was walking along the paths lined with fallen leaves in the autumn evening today, and the answer just came to my head. Perhaps it was because I had been thinking more about all those people I've truly loved in my life recently. And of course, trying to differentiate crushes from them. Shall beat about the bush before I declare what I think the answer might be.

When I was 18, I wanted to be a serious but humourous person, because the person I was in love with then couldn't decide between 2 guys, who were serious and humourous respectively. To make her feel secure, to make her smile.

Then there was P, which I shall skip cos that's not important.
Then there was X, whom I just wanted to be overall better at everything for.

Then there was you.

Because of your current partner, who was your ex then, I felt really insecure about myself. Your partner is, as I was told, very rich, very good-looking, smart, sporty, capable, runs a business successfully, gets the girls, ... basically those stuff that you see listed on the 'most eligible bachelors' statistics. How can anyone not feel small compared to a person like that?

But I thought I would work on whatever I can, those bits of me that is better. Which ended up with one --- I was sure I could love you better, and love you more.

Having said that, it is a huge shame, because I realise that when you're down, I was and can never be there with you, for you. I wish I could, and I would, if only you would let me.

With the theory that Someone Up There isn't letting you back in my life yet, I will spend the rest of my life trying to be a better person for you. To be more focused, more driven, more passionate about the things I truly care about, to be a good kid (which I have sort of failed when I left home), to fulfill my dreams one day...

Because I want to be the best for you; because you only deserve the best.

Until the day I became the bestest that I can, do as you wish.

Take care.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/27/2003 03:06:00 AM
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Friday, September 26, 2003

Dearest You,
It's getting colder in London.
Wherever you are, keep warm.
If it's Singapore, keep dry.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/26/2003 12:06:00 AM
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Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Dearest you,
Today marks 731 days after you sent me the email about you and Jerry.
It still hurts a little when I think about it. Just a little.
I still loved you after I read it, after alot happened... and yeah, I guess I needn't elabroate.
You should know better...

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/23/2003 09:25:00 PM
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Monday, September 22, 2003

Dear Ronnie,
Everyday I pray you'll somehow come across this site to read my thoughts of you, yet I know I will not openly publish it.
So how will you hear about it? How will you know?
Perhaps this is where we leave it up to fate.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/22/2003 12:31:00 AM
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Sunday, September 21, 2003

Dear Ronnie,
It is amazing the effects of you had on my life, and still have.
Bin thinks I am obsessed with Sam in some ways.
I think I'm plain envious - she's got you, who wouldn't be envious?
At least I am.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/21/2003 01:17:00 AM
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Saturday, September 20, 2003

Dearest You,

Maybe there was too much love in me to give.
So I turned to the humanity in me.
Think big issues, like world AIDs crisis, uneducated population, homeless in the streets, people with nothing to eat, endangered animals...

And I tried to runaway.
Focus on expeditions, talk to people about economies, travel around the world...
Then I realised deep in my heart, the same statement for you remained.

"As you wish."

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/20/2003 01:00:00 AM
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Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Dear Ronnie,
Mark Twain was right. --- Who cares about the Garden?

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/17/2003 11:52:00 PM
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Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Dearest You,

Sometimes I think you are selfish, sometimes I think I am.

Sometimes I think you don't want us to meet, because you want me to never get over you, and everyone says "What you can't get is always perfect."

Sometimes I think that my wish to see you is selfish, because Sam won't be happy, plus the fact that perhaps you just don't want to have our paths ever crossed since whatever that happened, should be considered 'over and done with' for you. It's selfish maybe because I just want to get to know you again; because I want a soulmate like you. Maybe you don't care anymore, you just want to pretend it never happened, or worse, don't give a shit about what happened.

I don't know.

But sometimes, I just feel like seeing you to know that you're really doing fine.

Sometimes I end up ramblings incoherently,
Sometimes I express disorganised flow of thoughts.
Sometimes I think too much about the past.
Sometimes I think too much about we & us.
Sometimes I think too much about you.

Just sometimes,
I think.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/16/2003 11:44:00 PM
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Monday, September 15, 2003

To, whomever who'll actually read this.
Lynette, my favourite dentist cum sister, sent me a couple of smileys flashing her pearly whites, all the way from Singapore. She did that for consecutively 5 days I think. Was heart-warming, really. Anyone who's seen her sunny smile will know what I'm talking about.
She asked me, "Isn't it lonely to be there by yourself?"
It really got me thinking.
There was once some forum where people posted never-ending series of stuff on solitude and loneliness.
I guess loneliness comes for me, when I wanna share something with someone, but I realise I am but alone.

Dearest Ronnie,
I want to bask in the sunshine at the beaches of Cinque Terra, hear the music and see the action of the baskers on the La Ramblas, feel small inside the gigantic Vatican City, have picnic in the park at the Effiel tower, run in the rain in the streets of London, wander through the streets and rivers in Venice,... ... and much more.
But there is no point going on about it, because I know it's just me talking to myself.

I felt small today.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/15/2003 01:22:00 AM
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Saturday, September 13, 2003

Hi Ronnie...
How are you? How was your day? How is everything going?
These are the things that ring in my head everyday, just like how the sun will always rise and set.
I.M.Y.V.B.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/13/2003 01:31:00 AM
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Friday, September 12, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,
Why do you always return to Singapore, when in the first place we stopped everything because you would be always faraway from me?
Yet, why do you never come back into my life, although you never fail to appear in my thoughts daily?
If I can have just one more chance, I'll never ever let you go again.
And if there is a bid for that chance, I'll sell my soul to the devil.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/12/2003 01:32:00 AM
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Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Dearest Ron,

Autumn brings the brown-green falling leaves, which catalyses memories of you being replayed.

While trying to catch up with people back home, I started learning about your life again.
I still remember how while you were in London, I used to come back from studio, pack my dinner up to my room, sleep, wake up at near midnight to have a conversation with you.
Those were the days... ... Since midnight in SG is only 5pm in London, and the break in your afternoon must have caused a lot of inconvenience.

You know, when Van said you've gotten over it, there was a tinge of joy in the pain. Bittersweetness? Nay, not even close. I was just surprised that you had any getting over to do. Was a sign that you did love me. And I'm grateful to Eros for that.

You've watched 'Xin Dong' yeah? I've always wanted to do some photography compilation that is similar to what Hao Jun did for his ex-girlfriend, with the concept of pictures taken when I thought about you. Well, this means I have a lot of brushing up of photography skills to do. *nods* I'll pick my favourite shots every couple of months, so that the book wouldn't overload, but we can be sure the book will have annuals till the day I die.

L.Y.S.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/09/2003 10:28:00 PM
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Sunday, September 07, 2003

Dearest One,
You know, I finally figured why I always flare up when people tell me to give up on you, tell me to stop feeling this way, and all that stuff.
I just don't like them - them who know nothing about these feelings - to diminish nor devalue how I feel about you.
You were in my thoughts yesterday, but more today, and will continue to be tomorrow.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/07/2003 02:29:00 AM
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Saturday, September 06, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,
Was humming this song in the drizzle on my way home.
I remember the piano recording you did for me.
The different versions we heard.
This very special song that started everything.
Here we go.
~

You Belong To Me
Vonda Shepard

See the pyramids along the Nile
Watch the sunrise on a tropic isle
Just remember, darling all the while
You belong to me

See the market place in old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember when a dream appears
You belong to me

I'll be so lonesome without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too
And blue

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember 'til you're home again
You belong to me

Maybe you'll be lonesome too
And blue

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember 'til you're home again
You belong to me

Maybe you'll be lonesome too
And blue

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember 'til you're home again
You belong to me

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/06/2003 12:54:00 AM
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Thursday, September 04, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,
Should I wait for our paths to cross, or should I just wait for someone who can love me despite knowing that she is 2nd best?
I don't even know why I think about such stuff.
I.M.Y.T.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/04/2003 12:44:00 AM
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Monday, September 01, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,

It's September again... Ironically, Norah Jones' I've Gotta See You Again is whispering through the speakers. Autumn is setting in pretty well in London, and I can't wait to see the beauty of falling leaves.

4th September 2001 --- I can still remember how I carried myself horribly 2 years ago. Or rather, I still remember how upset you were with me. *sighs*
Seems as though I can still taste the tears of devastation, both on the night when Brotha Bin told me you were leaving that very next morning, and the very next day when I read your email about forgetting about it all,...

Nostalgia will definitely be, if not already, my biggest downfall.

There was a cheesy boyband song that said, "You've never lived, until you love with all your heart and soul."
If that is true, then I thank you for having given me life, and keeping me alive.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 9/01/2003 11:14:00 PM
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