~ Letters to Leafy ~<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8">

Saturday, November 22, 2003

Recalling all those incidents of hospitalisation and suicide, it freaks me out to think of them as made-up tales.
I feel ill.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 11/22/2003 05:32:00 PM
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Sunday, November 16, 2003

To the Myth-Creator,

I do not know who you are, but I know the illusion you have created for me. Or I think I do, since whatever I know is whatever you wanted me to.

Like my buddy, I've gone nuts too. Quietly and safely insane, obsessed with your creation. It is strange how I feel dehydrated and my eyes hurt whenever serious thoughts and conversations about your creation arise.

I guess I should also congratulate you for your successful prank. It was, and still is such a success, the way it convinced me of various emotions I wish I didn't know. They say it isn't love. I say I call it feelings. Strange how the girl you created can actually make me feel something real, and these raw range of feelings even extend to beyond, causing me to even feel about the other people in the package. People say my desire of the myth (otherwise known as 'The One') is foolish, for it was all virtual, but my life is in reality. Reality, is where my feelings are too. Do they not know that? Of course you knew, for that was what you were after --- toying with real feelings. I should have really just addressed you as 'Prankster'.

You know what is the best part about your prank? The key lies in your refusal of a closure. And it is even more successful because you actually said, "Ok this is the end!", then went on to create more threads that leave everything open. Why do I know all these things, but is still unable to withdraw myself from your trap?

At the end of the day, I still hate myself for being unable to say 'I hate the illusion you created'. So I'll say, screw you for starting your stupid joke. It isn't even funny.

Once again, congratulations for having created a life-long joke.

Yours truly,
The fucked-up Me.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 11/16/2003 02:12:00 PM
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Dearest Ron,
There are two people who are sort of in my life now, whom I would have liked to see as the solution to you.
But no, they cannot be. However, they are good distractions, so I will carry on that way.
I said I'll move around even if I can't move on. It hurts too much otherwise.
Your Brotha has gone nuts. I am kinda worried. I'm sure you would be too, considering how worried you were the last time.
Hope you are doing well.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 11/16/2003 12:28:00 AM
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Thursday, November 13, 2003

Dearest Ron,

I'm thinking of linking this blog with The Jerk Club when Christmas comes. Be it a good or bad birthday present for you, you'll never see it anyway. But I hope it is a good one, and that you will eventually come across it.

Two things today made thoughts of you hit me hard.

First, the talk with Teck about knowing that one will never ever love anyone the same way as one loved this girl, knowing that everyone else would always be second-most-loved at best, and they must settle for that. I wrote it on the main blog, so I shan't repeat it here. Because I'm sure you know what I mean.

Second, the picture of this girl I spoke to briefly on MSN. She had to go, but I wished she stayed online longer. I would love to see that picture again, that picture that reminded me so much of the one and only picture I have of you. V said you look very different now... not that I could recognise you from your previous picture anyway, so that does not matter.

This is a sober day, and I will tell you honestly: You're still in my brain, and in my heart.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 11/13/2003 11:25:00 PM
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Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Dearest Ron,

Saw the below on Flo's blog.
And somehow, the memory of what happened on the night of the 24th October 2001 flooded my mind.

'Have I told u that I love u?'
'No.'
'I do'
'Still?'
'Always.'

[ Indecent Proposal ]

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 11/11/2003 07:17:00 PM
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Monday, November 10, 2003

Dearest Ron,
It was you who made me realise the powers of the internet.
It was you who taught me the evils of the internet.
I can't believe I fell.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 11/10/2003 01:10:00 AM
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Saturday, November 08, 2003

Dearest Ron,
What will you do, if you woke up one morning, and it suddenly hit you that you can never ever find a lost part of your life, even though you never really had it?
What will you do, if you were walking on the streets, and it occurs to you that it doesn't matter who you meet anymore, because you will never meet this very special person in your life?
What will you do, if it all sank in, and you have to admit to yourself that despite the existence of hope, you are just running away from the fact that some things are just impossible?
Tell me if you have the answers, please.
Hope everything's working out great for you.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 11/08/2003 01:14:00 PM
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Thursday, November 06, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,
I've been to quite a couple of clubs, met a handful of people.
But still no familiar names that ring at my ears.
I am so naive.
It can't be easy to find you.
It can only be near impossible.
And I thought about you loads today.
Hope you are well.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 11/06/2003 01:00:00 AM
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Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,

It is 1.08am and I am unable to sleep.
Listening to this Faye Wong song I downloaded, called 'If You're Unreal'. How apt eh.

I remember when we first started chatting, I often asked you what time Lady Luck would let us meet online.
And you always gave me the right answers.

Now, no one can ever tell me when Lady Luck, or Mister Destiny will let us meet, again or otherwise.

I'm sad.

And I don't know how to phrase my sadness into distinct words, as usual.

I admit I do get interested in people easily, when I see them. But no one comes close when it comes to the feelings generated. Or perhaps, if I want to phrase it in a hopeful way, not yet. There are some people whom I hope will become my saving grace. People whom I see possibilities of getting me out of this rut of nostalgia. Not many, just one or two. However, applying the experience of how I never really get people I really love (at the point of getting together), I doubt these saving graces will ever be.

Help.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 11/05/2003 01:16:00 AM
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Sunday, November 02, 2003

Dearest Ronnie,
It is November 2nd.
Would have came in yesteday, but spent the night at some galpal's place with 2 other gals. Pretty nice place at Barbican. The flatties are these nice gay dudes. Nathan was the one I spoke to. Gentle and friendly dude.
The party as French Kiss was alright. This girl told me I needed to work on my lines when I clarified with her that Aud and I weren't looking for a relationship, but companionship. Whatever, I don't give a flying fuck. Then I met Scott this nice, coincidentally Scottish dude, who introduced me to his sister Wendy. They're both gay, and very out. Cool. Scott said I don't speak like an Asian because I use too much of the F word. I told him I was French. :P
Went for the after-party at around Turnmill-something area. I stoned there, really. Aud left and I was utterly bored, I actually found something to do like draw chinese words on people's arms. They love it, I had something to do. Everyone was happy.
Went back to Helena's place with Angela and Jo. Yakked abit. Slept. I shared the room with Jo cos Helena's flatties was out for the weekend, and Angela was gonna share the bed with Helena. Or the other way around. Whichever, doesn't really matter to me.
And I missed you again when I saw the people dancing.

CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 11/02/2003 08:02:00 PM
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