Sober today,
And feeling real grey.
Here goes another letter,
To an unknown face.
Dearest Ron,
Some say we go by our gut feeling.
After having spoken to you for quite a substantial period of time, I should have a reliable feeling about how real you are. But my feelings and thoughts are never quite accurate, and V. has witnessed that countless times.
So what should I do? What should I do about these mixed emotions about you? Or rather, what can I do?Everyone tells me to let it go. But what they do not know is that I tried, and I tried, and I tried so hard it hurts. And then everything just comes crashing back, like now. Crushing me. But no one sees.
Choosing to see you as a make-believe was and still is the only chance for me to get over you.
Seems unbelievable how some fairytale can affect my whole life. A person I told the story to said it would be really funny (the ha-ha sort) if Ron was a fictitious character. She thought it seemed totally hilarious how a person travelled thousands of miles away from home, just because of a made-up character spun by webs of deception. I didn't laugh.
It isn't funny, as much as crossing the oceans isn't a romantic notion. At least that was not my intention.
V. questioned me. How can I say you are The One when we have never spoke, never touched, never hugged, never kissed? So maybe you are not The One. Maybe you are. Who knows? Even those who have spoken, touched, hugged, and kiss cannot ascertain if 'The One' is 'The One'. So who am I to say for sure? All I am hoping is that our paths cross again, even if we are not romantically linked. All I'm hoping is that we be a part of each other's lives again, in some way or another.
Sometimes I think it hurts because it was lost. Othertimes, I think it hurts because it never was mine. Or perhaps it hurts because I know that someone out there can help me out, but she said she will never.
I am real, Ronnie.
And I am for real.
It still hurts, right to the depths of my heart.
CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 1/20/2004 11:30:00 PM
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I had a dream.
Bin said that Ronnie came online again, spoke about her life and sent some pictures. Ronnie also said that her home is now America, and had no wish to go anywhere else.
I had a dream,
And it mocked me.
CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 1/20/2004 09:19:00 AM
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Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Your impression was formed,
By my wildest imagination.
And that may be why I always see you,
At the brink of my consciousness.
CEF registered thoughts about Ron at 1/14/2004 11:43:00 PM
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[ PIECES OF JADE ]
>> Ramblings.
McKean met Leafy on mIRC in late June of 2001.
Leafy left for UK around August/September 2001.
Leafy left.
Leafy last sent an email to McKean in June 2002.
McKean finally left home for UK in June 2003.
But McKean has lost Leafy forever.
Leafy was the Ice-Queen, the RainbowFlag, the Fei,
the love of McKean's life.
>> Familar Blues.
You Belong To Me [Jason Wade/Vonda Shepard]
Tian Tian (Everyday) [David Tao]
Hallo [Lionel Ritchie]
When She Danced [David Foster]
You Come To My Senses [Chicago]
Xiang Ai Ni [David Huang Dawei]
Ni Ba Wo Guan Zui [David Huang Dawei]
Promise Me [Beverly Craven]
Our Story [Tension]
